Last Resort

Victims of parental narcissistic abuse often go no contact as a last resort.

So if that is you, know that this a safe space and that you are accepted here. 

The decision to go no contact with a narcissistic parent is rarely an impulsive one. It is usually a last resort reached after years of failed attempts to repair the relationship. 

Woman reflecting

 It is unlike ending a partnership, severing ties with a parent involves dismantling a primary attachment bond formed before language development, making the decision psychologically tough and complex. 

Heavy decision

There can often be hesitation to cut ties with a narcissistic parent even though to someone from the outside it may seem like the obvious thing to do. The hesitation stems from the fact that the parent child bond is wired into the nervous system at a foundational level. For adult children of parent narcissists, the abuser was also their primary source of survival, creating a trauma bond where the brain associates the parent with both danger and safety. This can cause confusion and anxiety as to the decision to go no contact. 

Hence such a decision to go no contact can trigger a visceral, biological panic and terror that feels like a life-threatening event, even though the relationship is toxic and unhealthy. 

Survivors often have endured long periods of, countless betrayals some big and some small, boundary violations, and emotional and mental abuses, before their nervous system finally reaches a point where staying connected becomes more dangerous to their health and well being than leaving. 

Grieving a living parent

A major factor that makes this decision so heavy is that there is loss and grief though the parent is still alive. Additionally the survivor is grieving the actual abusive parent, and mourning the parent they never had and the childhood they deserved. 

 This is a "disenfranchised grief”, a grief that is not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported, often leaving individuals feeling isolated and invalidated.  This occurs when the loss itself, fall outside societal norms e.g., the death of an ex-partner, a pet, a narcissistic parent or someone still alive. 

Society lacks a script for mourning someone who is still alive. 

The survivor must confront the permanent reality that the loving, empathetic parent they hoped would eventually emerge will never exist. This realisation can be more painful than the abuse itself, as it requires accepting that the fantasy of a healthy happy family is a fantasy not a reality. 

Intense social, familial and cultural pressure

This heavy difficult decision is compounded by immense societal judgment and sometimes even familial. Cultural narratives insisting that "blood is thicker than water", religious mandates to "honour thy father and mother" and such like.  It makes it even more challenging to recover, as the surviver is vilified for protecting themselves and their health.

There can be secondary gaslighting, from friends, surprisingly some therapists, and extended family often pressuring the victim/survivor to reconcile. Some saying you will regret it when they die. This further invalidates the victim’s/survivors reality and prioritises the family system’s comfort over the survivor’s safety. This can lead to further loss and grief, with friends, family and therapist who do not understand or support the situation and decision. 

Sadly the survivors of familial narcissistic abuse who go no contact from the narcissist parent often face stigma, being labeled as "selfish" or "ungrateful," which can lead to further isolation, exactly when they need support most.

Burden of undeserved guilt. 

Narcissistic parents condition their children to feel responsible for the parent’s emotions, hence the act of leaving can feel like an act of abandonment or cruelty rather than self-preservation. For some it can feel like a huge relief at the same time.  Not easy to hold all these feelings at the same time. 

This conditioned responsibility, often brings about a lifelong guilt for the survivor, believing they are betraying a parent who "needs" them, even when that "need" is actually a demand for control and narcissistic supply.

Many hesitate, for years, even decades, before going no contact, due to the fear of possible regret, that they are making a permanent mistake. They may worry about the parent’s eventual death and the possibility of never resolving the relationship, despite evidence of their own experience that every attempt to reconcile lead to renewed abuse.

Next generation

For many adult children of narcissistic parents, who become parents themselves, the decision to go no contact is finally catalysed by the need to break the cycle of abuse.  They realise that their own children are witnessing the abuse and often becoming targets themselves often provides the necessary clarity to override the guilt and fear. 

For some who don’t have children, that see themselves as cycle breakers to show the next generation that there is another way, that stepping out of the abusive cycle of intergenerational trauma is possible, even if challenging.

In these cases, no contact is viewed as an act of breaking the cycle of transmission of intergenerational trauma. 

in Conclusion

If you are considering going no contact for the upteenth time as a last resort, know that here you are you supported to do what is best for your health and wellbeing and for your recovery, as you are here to live your life the best you can.

If you would like to work 121 feel free to get in touch via connect@vibrance4life.com

Love

Dhriti